Yesterday was my quarterly review at work. The strange thing about that is that my company doesn't do quarterly reviews. In fact, yesterday was the first quarterly review *ever* in the history of the company. And possibly the last.
You see, I brought this on myself. My boss and I are both bull-headed when it comes to our ideas about programming. He and I lock horns intellectually more than the whole rest of the team put together, and although he tells me that he respects the fact that I stand up for my ideas, I think at the end of the day he'd rather I just bow to his superior kung fu (he actually is a top-notch programmer) with unblinking deference.
But over the past few months it all seemed to be coming to a head. When we started in on a "conversation" about whether or not to refactor code a certain way, people on the team would pull out their flak jackets and a bowl of popcorn. About 7 weeks ago, just before I went on vacation for 2 weeks, he and I had "a talk" and he dropped a bombshell. He told me that I lacked "professionalism" and that I wasn't as far along in my career as I could be.
Ever been punched in the kidney when you thought you were alone in the room? I have (my Army buddies are very strange) and this was the same feeling. Coming from some young kid, or another know-it-all rookie like myself, those comments wouldn't have bothered me. But this guy is a seasoned pro. The kind of guy who lends credibility to an entire project just by showing up to a few meetings with the customer. He's a founding member of the company, for pete's sake.
So I went on vacation. Within the first week of my vacation I also found out that my girlfriend had a similar revelation for me about our relationship. And I turned 34.
Sigh.
But I'm proud to say that in every case I turned lemons into some kind of fruity juice (credit: Obi). At work, my response to that brick of C4 being detonated in my cereal bowl was to ask my boss if he'd be willing to give me a quarterly review after I returned from vacation, so that I'd know exactly what I needed to work on to be a better "professional". I thought that was very professional of me.
And with my girlfriend, as soon as she told me what it was that was making her unhappy, I dug deep and immediately set all my energy and focus on making it better. I'm happy to say that we're happier than ever together now, and I don't think I've ever been quite so fulfilled in a relationship as I am with her.
Conclusion: I'm capable of great things, but figuring out how people really feel about me is not one of them. Once I know - once they spell it out for me slowly, using stick figures and very small words - then I surprise everyone, including myself, with how quickly and significantly I can change my behavior. It's nice to know that my 'natural adaptability' can be used for good, too.
My "vacation" in Vermont seems to have been a turning point for me. I feel stronger, smarter, calmer...better. As I've told my girlfriend, I feel like I just hadn't bothered to realize any of my potential for years, because I just didn't have a reason. I got complacent. Things got easy, so I stopped trying to improve myself. I needed a reason.
She's my reason. And so far, I like the change.
Conclusion: quarterly reviews should be mandatory with our friends, lovers, bosses, co-workers, etc. I think the first one is the hardest, but after that it gets easier because your just making small course corrections.
Think of it this way: if you don't occasionaly get a status report during the action, you haven't really avoided anything....because you'll likely have to hear the same information anyways, but it will be during your exit interview.
